5-ways To Deal With Heartbreak

Heartbreak has been seen most times over the years as non-existent, especially to those who has never lost a partner or been abandoned in a romantic relationship. But for those who have had a broken romantic relationship will sure attest to the existence of this.

It has been scientifically proven that, “the brain registers emotional pain in the same way as physical pain.” This is why we feel our heart ripping apart when we experience a heartbreak, most times it feels like you’re gonna have a heart attack, this might cause some to think they will die if the pain continues while some go ahead to end it themselves by committing suicide.

I will be taking my time to for the next five days to take us through 5-ways to deal with heartbreak and possibly heal from it. Today, I would take the first on which is;

1. ACCEPTANCE
My first ever heartbreak was with my best friend turned lover. We were practically the best pair you ever find, from long phone calls, to different romantic dates, wearing matching shirt and even planning our future together Lmao.

I never felt not loved when I was with Timothy, because of the chemistry we had was like the carbon-oxygen bond. So when he told me he was falling for someone else and needed time to be sure of what he want, which later led to the break-up.

I was in total self-denial, I convinced myself that the new girl definitely doesn’t know him as much as I do and soon he will get tired of her, then comes back to me because I was the love of his life.

This kept me hanging to something that was long gone, I allowed myself to still be the girlfriend that I wasn’t anymore, went in with the calls and early morning messages, bombarding him with how my day went.

But like they say, " I was dating myself” because Alaye had moved on long before he even broke up with me.

The fact that he wasn’t forthcoming like he used to, I became even more hurt, the feeling of not being worthy enough for his love set in, I began to lose touch of myself and slowly I was going into depression.

This is probably what most of us do, "self-denial” because we feel that the love we once shared is too much for one to just throw it away like that, so, we choose to get in the “self-denial” corner. This makes us more vulnerable and easily prone to even more emotional damage than the initial heartbreak has caused.

Accepting that the relationship is over, will give our heart the avenue to morn our loss, thus making us unleash the pain we actually feel instead of throwing it all in, which is even more damaging.

When we come to term with the end of a relationship, we mostly break down and cry this is what self-denial stops you from doing. Crying is one way of expressing pain, which slowly reduces the hormones responsible for inducing pain bringing it to a minimal level we can contain, thus allowing our body and mind to deal with it efficiently.

So the more we cry, the more relieved we become.
According to William Frey II, a biochemist at the Paul-Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis, “Tears aren’t just salt water; they contain Leucine, Enkephalin, an endorphin that modulates pain and hormones such as Prolactin and Andrenocorticotropic hormone, released at times of stress”.

Hence crying, in the moment of intense pain such as that which is caused by Heartbreak are a way of getting rid of pain.

Forget friends, family, or anyone who says nobody is worth your tears, Cry my dear because at that point you’re responsible for your own healing.

Acceptance brings you to this point, which is a starting point of healing, from that heartbreak.

When I came to terms with the end of my relationship, I switched off my phone for four days, and just let the tears flow at its will, I cried myself to sleep, waking up a bit better than I was emotionally yesterday, this unknown, to me was the beginning of my healing.

DAY 2

2. GET CLOSURE
“When we seek closure, we are asking for answers as a cause of a certain loss to resolve the painful feelings, it brings or has created”

It has been three weeks since I accepted the loss of my three years relationship with Timothy, and of course we also haven’t spoken. I let myself get used to living without him, but I was still hurting badly because like the song memories by Maroon 5, all the memories bring back Timothy, the matching shirt with; “his queen” inscription was still there, endless texts and chats which had found their home in my archive, a gift given to me by him at different occasions coupled with loads of unanswered questions.

Most times, when alone I throw questions at him even though he’s not present. Say stuff like, “timothy what did I do wrong!” Then breakdown and cry till my tear gland can produce no more tears. Because sincerely, I didn’t understand why something so perfect like us could break, causing loads and loads of questions piling up in my head which needed answers.

One morning I decided to go back to all our chats and messages to be sure what really went wrong and my part in all of it. One of the messages got me thinking; “Eseosa, you’re the best thing that can ever happen to a man, but you seem too much for me. I asked God for a price Instead, I found you now I don’t know if I can keep up.”

I couldn’t get myself to understand the message, so, I called my best friend, spoke to her about it then she advised me to request for a meet-up, so, we could talk about it. This sounded risky to me at first, but what did I have to lose again? So, sent him a message, no response, put a call through 3hours later, he picked told me he was busy if he could call back in the evening.

I waited patiently for his call, but while I waited, took my time to make an outline of questions to ask him, so I don’t get sentimental with the questions like; “why did you leave me”, “was I not enough for you”, “how am I supposed to live without you.” These questions would sure make me look desperate, and our meeting might end up being futile, then go home even more dejected and back to square one again, I sure didn’t want that to happen because the goal is to heal completely.

He called as promised; we spoke casually for some time, and finally decided to meet-up at a neutral place, not a place that reminded us of a lot, to keep emotions away.

This was me realizing that I needed answers to the puzzles in my head; I was intentional about it and tried not to sound desperate or sentimental.

In finding closure, we must take the following to mind;

What is that which I want answers to?
Are you willing to let go?

Does holding on truly makes you happy?

Are you afraid of not knowing what the outcome will be?

What do you believe will happen to you if you let go?

When trying to get closure from someone who stopped loving you, cheated on you, or just up and left you in a relationship, you should understand; that people do things for reasons unknown to us and it will be easy if we meet them with an open mind, try to focus on your goal which is healing so, you will be able to ask the right questions and get answers.

Be intentional about it, make a list of questions you would want answered if you think you might be distracted, go with evidence and make sure you get all the answers needed so, you don’t overthink things with few answers given, also be mindful of the words you use.

Remember that the goal is to heal and not to hate the person or yourself, understand that people approach happiness differently and if he’s not willing to talk just yet, don’t push it and try not to overthink it too, with time you could sit and talk it out. But while waiting, talk to friends who will give you genuine and sincere help in achieving closure.

DAY 3

3. FORGIVE YOURSELF!

Remember the definition of health in kindergarten? “ A state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being.” It has been proven scientifically that both the body-mind are connected, hence whatever affects the mind also does the body. Anger has been proven to affect the digestive system, therefore, limiting your intake of food causing immunity to drop which make you prone to various diseases. Most depressive persons turn out to become anorexic. So, forgiveness, and letting go after an intense emotional pain is very much-needed.

Forgiving is a process of total and complete cleansing to achieve wholeness of the mind, soul and body.

Have you ever heard stories of people getting back with their exes while still in a relationship, then leaving the present one to continue rekindling old flames with their ex? Well, that was the case with Timothy. He had gotten back with his ex five months before he decided he wanted out of our dearly beloved, exciting mind-blowing Three years relationship.

He said he loved me but realized he loved her more due to the memories they had shared; they were childhood best friends, their families were also friends. So, he had to call off what he had going with me, because he felt they could work out this time.

Did I mention that for the three years we were dating he never mentioned being in a relationship to his mother, giving me excuses; that he didn’t want to keep her hopes high due to the way his last relationship ended, so his mother never knew he was in a relationship for those three years.

When we let go of pain, we choose not to remember all they said that hurt us.

I asked him why he waited so long to realize he didn’t love me. He said, “you were the peace I needed, you showed me what it means to love differently regardless of time and circumstances how to live my life at the moment, I never thought I would experience such free simple and intense love from someone and wasn’t ready to let go.” He told me, he wants me to enjoy love as pure as I give from someone who deserves me, so, he had to let me go seeing he couldn’t let go of his ex.

We don’t choose how people hurt us, but we choose how to respond to the pain the hurt has caused us. Either you let it control you or you shake it off and control its ass while staying healthy and taking all the lessons we need to learn about people.

When I got home that day I had a long-ass shower while replaying all he said and three years we had spent together, I cried till I could taste my tears.

That night, I couldn’t sleep, I reached for my phone, called my best friend told her everything as I sobbed between. She told me something that helped me; “you can choose to love someone completely but you can’t teach them how to love you completely.”

Realizing that some people can start a journey with you but won’t end it as a result of circumstances you can’t control, will help you enjoy the journey and appreciate their effort for coming that far with you.

We can’t influence people to stay in our lives by loving them completely , they choose what they want, and we should respect their choices even when we know their choices are not 100% the best.

Forgiving yourself is just liking to getting your facials done, you take it a step at a time. Don’t rush it. Most times we’ll have to forgive ourselves severally before attaining wholesomeness. When you forgive yourself, it ripples to the next person.

Often people talk about not being able to forget the hurts/the things people do to hurt them, this tends to trigger intense hurts and pain all over again leaving them broken and unable to enjoy peace like the other person is, it keeps us stuck while draining us and preventing you from enjoying life as it’s.

Letting go of hurt caused by people’s action toward us open our heart to see the brighter side of it; like the take home lessons, the type of person they are and what decision to make when it comes to relationships.

Forgiveness is something that’s not only personal but intentional you choose to let go of the pain that keeps you bound and connected to your past.

My journey to forgiving myself started with letting go of the chats, messages, pictures, and all the things that will remind me of him, sent him a message saying I had forgiven him even though I was still hurt and in the process of healing.
I made a decision to always resist the urge to hate him or myself but to accept our journey as it’s, that he’s happy without me and someday I too will find peace completely.

Forgiving yourself will definitely take time, it comes in layers most times, and you have to give yourself time to actually forgive completely.

DAY 4

4. DON'T REBOUND
"Rebound relationships come handy whenever I experience a traumatic heartbreak, it helps to take my mind of the pains, and regrets of my lost relationship. But I always tend to detach from the current relationship after some weeks then slip into depression.” Said Rachel. When I asked her take on rebound relationship, even though she had somewhat seen the consequences of it, she was ready to use a rebound relationship at any slight break in a relationship, leaving her even more shattered as a result of piled up pain which she chooses to ignore, preventing her from properly healing.

After a heartbreak, we begin to ask ourselves questions we can’t answer. Because they are left unanswered, insecurity comes in and our self-esteem becomes unstable, which make a lot depressive and some sadistic.

So, when someone new comes around and make us feel like we are the perfect tulip, they could get in the garden, we become too blind to notice our inability to sincerely move on yet, but we get involved regardless, because the void left by our previous relationship needs to be occupied.

Few months down the line we realize that was never what we needed at that point of our lives, then we jeopardize whatever we have with our current to look for solutions by then we would be needing a shrink to help us heal and think properly because we added more baggage already which won’t be easy to just lay out without help.

A failed rebound relationship brings more insecurities, rage, hate, pain and depression. So, staying away from any relationship early on our break-up should be considered, because at that time we are still yet to figure what we want, when we want it or even how to go about it which will lead us to making silly mistakes that could have been avoided if we just take our time to heal properly.

One thing that’s relative to healing is time; for some persons it takes them years to heal, others months, or even weeks. So don’t follow the timetable of anybody to determine when to heal completely, only you know when you’ve healed and ready to pull up another stunt.

I got into a rebound relationship two months after my heartbreak. We met at the cinema, he was just like Timothy and I thought he would fill the void Timothy left and complete me. His name was Tony, what a coincidence right!. He sat close to me while we waited for our movie time, fortunately we were seeing the same movie. "is this your first time at this cinema” he asked, “nope” giving him the “I am not interested” one syllabus answer, “well, it’s my first here and I heard the viewing is pretty nice and I decided to give it a try being the movie person that I am” he added ignoring my absent mindedness, “okay, that’s nice” I said without even looking at him “I guess you are seeing Okafor’s Law too, the 3:15pm right” he asked after thirty seconds of silence. Okafor’s Law was one of Omoni Oboli’s new movie considered a blockbuster at the time and was showing in most cinema at the time. It talked about the hold men have on women they had previously “shagged” (had sex with) before, which gives them the advantage to be able to “shag” that same lady over again when they want to, regardless of the relationship status of the lady. I love seeing Omoni Oboli’s movie because of her storyline and how passionate she is with acting. "hmm hmm" i nodded, I guess he got the memo and stopped talking. When it was time for the movie, he gestured to help carry my snacks, and I obliged him seeing his persistence.

He sat next to me in the cinema hall, we got to know ourselves a little, then exchanged contacts. He was so romantic and passionate about me that in 2weeks, I had forgotten I was heartbroken.

Our need to be loved after a heartbreak, might make us too desperate that we give too much of ourselves so easily and end up being hurt again, this time, losing ourselves.

From movie dates to lunch dates, to clubbing. It was all a vibe until he traveled to Warri for business a Monday after the weekend, we had our first sex, and he didn’t call for 48 hours, I was thrown between worlds, rage set In, my insecurities reared it head and I became so bitter, I felt used, belittled, taken for granted and shattered. I called him severally but his phone was not reachable, I cried so much till I passed out.

When you identify a problem, don’t stall in proffering solution to avoid long-term damage.

I woke up the next morning to chunk of his text messages which had probably been sent in the last 48hours but didn’t arrive on time due to network, just then I realized my healing wasn’t complete, hence not mentally ready for a relationship. I told myself I needed to end this jamboree called a relationship, it was just 6weeks gone and I have surrendered my soul to him. This wasn’t the plan. I needed to heal completely, so, I can keep a healthy relationship, and if that has to happen, then Tony has to go.

We need to learn that getting intimate with someone will mess up with our mind and keep us emotionally connected to that person in some ways, and getting a rebound when you have not completely healed will have you reeling yourself from multiple mental, and emotional cinch. Take your time and heal completely, so, you can be redefined to make the right choices, and thus, keep a healthy relationship.

DAY 5

5. LEARN TO LOVE
"Love is an art, a process that benefit from creativity, care and authenticity, as long as you’re prepared to give out respect and responsibility.”

After a traumatic emotional pain, such as heartbreak, people tend to stop loving themselves which spurs out of hatred for the person who has caused them pain, by continuously dwelling on the actions of the person.

So gradually, they lose touch of love, and this affects their ability to love themselves again.

They are then filled with bitterness, rage, they become scornful, sadistic, and vicious to anyone who tries to express love and care for them. They slowly become humans without love, who are incompetent of loving and staying in a healthy relationship whatsoever.

Learning to love again is essential after a heartbreak, because it helps us reel off those pain caused by our previous partner and furthermore make us intentional about loving people unconditionally.

When we learn to love, we learn to patiently build friendship that’s based on trust, respect, and understanding.

We aren’t conditioned to love people base on just frisson, or a euphoric feeling, but intentionally. We are sincere of what we want from a person, and specific of the kind of person we want it with.

We should be open-minded when it comes to love, knowing and understanding that love cannot be given back in the same nature and form like we give, only then can, we begin modifying our view on how people treat us, we don’t only recognize their inability to love us just as we want, but making a decision to understand their love language while we communicate ours to them.

We also then begin learning to love without expecting what we give in return, but allowing them to love us just the way they can, until they can completely love us right. This then teach us not to rush into loving people that is incapable of loving us.

When we come to the realization of this, we would stop hating our exes because of how they choose to love or treat us.

After ending my rebound relationship with Tony, I made it a conscious effort to teach myself how to love people because I love them for them and not for what they offer me or how they make me feel, but because I am capable of loving them.

This removed tension of wanting to know if they loved me back or if they cared for me like I did. I began to understand that I can choose not to commit to something that is not worth my commitment regardless of how I feel about the person. As a Christian, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 became my watch word when it came to learning to love, I began to put every principles of love to practice bit by bit.

When I and Timothy saw again at a wedding a year later, this time with his girlfriend, I didn’t feel hate, pain or even the urge to avoid him. I had taken my time to rid myself of all the hate I’m ever going to feel towards him, we greeted like good friends and played catch up. That was the final confirmation, I was free!. I and Tony, on the other hand, became friends because he got married six months later to his university sweetheart.

That would have been another traumatic process for me if I hadn’t called off our relationship early enough, because at that time I was too blind to make the right choice of the man I was getting involved with.

When we learn to loves, we are also getting to understand how we give and receive love, this makes it easy for us to identify what is good for us and what will traumatize us. Giving us the upper hand to choose what we want before someone choose for us.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that”
Martin Luther King Jr.